


Side tracked

by ProfessorPlum



Series: A reason for living. [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: But it's not underage I've decided, I'm still think Jim is kind of mental, M/M, Sex, Teenlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 22:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessorPlum/pseuds/ProfessorPlum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I got a comment telling me I should continue the 'A reason for living' series so I did. I really like writing in this style I have this in anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Side tracked

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to apologize for /all the spelling mistakes in the last one.. I didn't read over my work first and I was a little embarrassed when I did.

Sometimes I think I must be different. The reason that I can't stand people must be etched into my biological code because no matter how hard I try I can't learn to like them, only find a tolerance that lets me except myself as different.

I know Sebastian must be different too because he is the only person that I can stand when the world makes me mad. He is the only person that can calm me down after I drown myself in the anger of the world. He quiets the storm that is my brain and lulls it into a gentle wind. I feel like telling him this but I wouldn't know quite how to explain it to someone who is not in my head.

"I think I must love you," I tell him a lot. But he never says it back, and it doesn't bother me because I think he must love me too because we do kiss again, and we do have sex again and he always tells me how wonderful I am in a whispered breathy voice that I'm not sure I'm meant to hear at all but I know I want to, and sometimes I think that the only reason that I kiss him and have sex with him is because I want to hear him tell me that in his whispered breathy voice.

After a while of still being only friends who occasionally shag in his car or his room, he has a girlfriend. I know it should make me mad because she is nice and pretty and not stupid, but it does, because even though I know that Sebastian and I were not together like that, I thought that he loved me.

It makes me mad when he kisses her in front of me, like he’s doing it on purpose to make me angry even though I know he’s not. And even though I don’t like kissing and sex very much, I miss what Sebastian would say to me, and I think I must be jealous.

I see Sebastian less which is to be expected because he has Lilia to be with, but it still makes me mad. Sometimes I hang out with him and I find that Lilia is not as bad as she could be which makes me only hate her more because she is not stupid and boring, and he probably tells her she is amazing ad beautiful in a whispered breathy voice. And I think I must be jealous. She’s his age, and she has blond hair and she had nice blue eyes and I think that if they ever had children they would be the most blond and blue-eyed kids in the world, but that thought makes me mad. “So James, do _you_ have a girlfriend?” she asks me when I am eating lunch with them even though I’m not eating.

“No,” I say, I have made it my point to be curt to her.

“Actually Jim is gay,” Sebastian says, which isn’t really true because I have only ever loved him, which she doesn’t know about I am sure.

I don’t answer so I suppose she takes that as true, “Oh, you sort of look gay,” she says which I suspect she says to be nice but I don’t know what she means because I didn’t think anyone could _look_ gay. But after that she treats me differently, like I am a girl or something, telling me about hair appointments and shoes. I think that it is very hard to hate someone that doesn’t hate you back, especially when they are very pretty.

“Do you love her?” I ask him when we are alone and I am working on a science project in my room. He doesn’t answer which makes me suspicious.

“Who?” He asks even though I know he is stalling I answer.

"Lilia, do you love her?" I keep working and though my back is turned I can practically see him thinking.

Sebastian let out a sigh. "I guess I do, I suppose so."

"...Because I thought-" I continue as though he hasn't answered. I turn to face him lifting my protective goggles so they rest on my forehead. "-that you loved me."

Sebastian avoids my eyes. “I never said that Jim.” He says, “I’m not actually gay, so just...” he doesn’t finish.

I walk closer to him and lean up to kiss him, he doesn’t move for a little, but then he pushes me away. “Look James, I don’t- Just don’t touch me like that...”

I stood there looking at my socks. When I was a little kid, I marveled how socks always came out so fresh and clean, the dryer became my hiding spot when my parents were yelling. I would pretend it was a space rocket and that I could run away and travel through space. It was a sad day when I no longer was able to sit comfortably in the dryer.

When I see Sebastian and Lilia again he acts like nothing has happened, though he is quick to tell her that I would _love_ to go shopping with her. I’m not sure if it’s a punishment or he just doesn’t want to go, but I end up going with her to one of London’s shopping malls.

She talks about Sebastian which makes me a little angry but tells me how she always though he was cute. “He says you’re a good friend, how long have you known him?” One thing I have to give her credit for is even though she talks a lot, she always asks questions so I suppose she isn’t as stupid as I want her to be.

“About a year,” I answer dully because we’re in the same grade though I am two years younger.

Lilia tells me that she is studying to be a nurse and that that’s what she had always wanted to be ever since she was a little girl but I only try to listen when she asks me questions. “And what about you James?” she asks, and I just shrug because I have never wanted to be anything in particular other than a space man.

“A hair stylist,” I lie sarcastically, but she seems genuinely pleased with this stereotypical answer even though I have never wanted to cut hair.

She picks lots of clothes to try on and in the end she makes me go to the ‘Woman’s’ changing room with her so she can show me the clothes. I’ve never seen a girl get undressed before, except in dirty magazines that were a pig thing in secondary school even though I never had much interest in the fake way bodies were displayed. “So Sebby tells me you’re like, super smart.” I try not to stare but I don’t think she notices. I shrug though I like that Sebastian has said that about me. “Oh don’t be modest sweetie; he said you’re like, fifteen.”

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Alright genius, tell me, does this look nice together?” She has put on a pink shirt and a red frilly skirt.

“Yes.” I answer, “But red doesn’t match your hair.” She seems pleased with my answer and takes off her clothes again.

“You’re so right.”

After a few hours of me giving few syllable comments she decides that she has enough clothes shopping for the day and by then even I am tired of watching her dress down to practically nothing. We head back to the parking lot and she ends up getting the red shirt anyways. I don’t know how to drive so she drives us both in Sebastian’s car. It makes me happy that I have had sex with her boyfriend at least twice in this car and that she doesn’t know.

She drives to the university is, where she had a dorm there and Sebastian is waiting to drop me back off at my house. “How was it?” He asks her, even though he doesn’t sound interested.

“Oh it was just lovely,” she answers. “And James was so sweet to go with me.” She kisses me on my cheeks and gets pink lipstick on my face. I have never been kissed by girl if you don’t count my mother, but I don’t think I ever want to again.

She kisses Sebastian on the lips and I wonder if he likes it. “See you Saturday.” And I am glad that he has decided to stop kissing her. She nods and runs off looking pretty even from behind with her hair bouncing the way I suppose the girls on magazines hair bounces when they run.

“Come on, let’s go,” He says, sticking a cigarette between his lips and lighting it. I am glad that she is not his reason for living. I follow him to the car and climb in the passenger’s seat. “Did you really have fun?” He asks, smiling while he smokes and filling the car with the smell of drowning.

“No,” I answer tiredly, “She changed in front of me though.” I say before realizing that might make him mad. He just smiles and starts up the car. “She’s very pretty,” I say but he ignores me.

“Look Jim about before, in your room…” He starts, looking ahead at the rode while my one eye’s are fixed on his profile. He has a nice profile I think.

“It’s alright,” I say even though it isn’t. “I don’t love you anymore so you don’t have to-“

“I think I might break up with Lilia,” He cuts me off but I’m glad he has because I was lying.

I hid a smile, “Why?”

Sebastian shrugs the way I do when I’m talking to anyone but him, “ ‘Dunno,” which I know is a lie but I don’t say anything.

“Oh, well… sorry,” is all I can say because I am trying so hard not to make it obvious that I’m happy. The rest of the car ride goes by quickly with not much talking, and when he finally drops me off I am eager to leave, but he stops me.

“Jim?” He asks, and I love the way my name sounds coming from his mouth, even with a cigarette between his lips. “Just- have a good night okay?” I nod to him and he leaves and I think that all I want to do is tell him how happy I am that he is going to ditch her.

The call from Sebastian comes three days later when I am at home feeding my cat. I am feeding it because it is next on my list of animals to dissect and I think that it should have a last meal worthy of a cat. Most of my cats have run away because I forget to feed them and my mum doesn’t have the time, but Sebastian isn’t calling to ask me about Robert Oppenheimer my grey cat.

“Jim? Hay er... Hi, I was just wondering if I could come over. I broke up with Lilia,” His voice sounded sad like he had been crying but I don’t think Sebastian cries over break-ups.

“Yes,” I decide to just give Robert his food and give him his final meal later. I hang my mobile and wait while I pet Robert Oppenheimer and tell him he is a good cat because he hasn’t run away from me yet.  
Sebastian knocks seven minutes and twelve seconds later and makes Robert Oppenheimer scamper away under the sofa from the noise. I go to answer the door and Sebastian is standing here with his second hand clothes and his hair that falls slightly in his face because he hasn’t cut it in a while, and I am standing opposite him and he looks at me with his blue eyes and I am looking back with my brown ones and then he is kissing me and I think that I must have forgotten what kissing him feels like because I definitely like this kiss.

We are on my bed and we are still kissing and Sebastian is explaining himself while he takes off my shirt and kisses down my body, ‘Jim- I never wanted to go out with her-,” he says to me as he takes off his shirt so we match. “I was just confused about it all,” I think that he should speak for himself because I was also very confused, but I don’t want to think right now.

As much as I can gather from Sebastian words while he takes off my trousers is that he didn’t want to ne gay, because of his father, because of school, because of everything. He tells me that he’s always loved me in his breathy whispers and even as he is touching be and I feel him so close to me he is still talking, still apologizing.

It feels so good to have Sebastian so close again, even though I have never been particularly fond of the feeling of sex, I like the sentiment, the intimacy, I like Sebastian. My hearty beets faster and his apologies become harder to make out as or bodies become one individual with one brain and one heart, and two lungs and one tongue and ten fingers and two eyes. And I think I must love him still.

We lay breathless as the sweat cools from our skin, I have not looked at Sebastian but when I open my eyes his eyes are red and I am sure he has been crying even though Sebastian doesn’t cry about love.

“I think I must love you James Moriarty,” He says in a breathy whisper as he lies down next to me and holds me close. Even though I want to take shower I also want to stay and sleep and in the end the later wins over and I stay in bed with him.

“I think I must love you too Sebastian, I say.”

 

Because I do.

 

xx

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to DreammasterLoki who told me I should do more work like this. Guess what.. I did. I don't know if continuing it was a bad idea... comments help. 
> 
> Note: For those of you who don't know Robert Oppenheimer was man who first split the atom which resulted in the first atomic bomb in 1945. Also the name of one of Sheldon Cooper's cats.


End file.
